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Jay (in Irish accent): My first guest is a Golden Globe winning actress, she is...was great in Romeo and Juliet; has a new movie, The Mod Squad, and it opens next Friday. Please welcome the lovely Claire Danes...
[Claire sits down, someone in the audience shouts, "I love you!"]
Jay: Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Claire: Happy, happy, happy.
Jay: I like your new haircut.
[Claire touches her hair with both hands.]
Claire: Thanks...yeah, I'm not really responsible for it.
Jay: No, no, it looks great-
Claire: Well thanks.
Jay: You're the one...don't you have to pick it out?
Claire: Yeah, but I--you know...I dunno, I take--I'm powerless when it comes to my hair.
Jay: Really?
Claire: I'm terrible. Well, I'm so unconcerned with my looks lately 'cause I'm in school.
Jay: Really?
Claire: I've disintegrated into...
Jay: So this is what you look like when you don't care? That's amazing!
Claire: Yeah, well...
Jay: This is what I look like when I spend all day.
[Claire chuckles.]
Claire: Well, you know...I hire people to whip me up..into shape.
Jay: Well, they did a good job...
Claire: Thanks.
Jay: ...and you're going to school...now, is this Yale the lock school or is this the actual Yale?
Claire (laughing): This is the actual Yale.University in New Haven.
Jay: Well, now, that's a real school...
Claire: Yeah, it is.
Jay: ...not one of those phony ones where you dry [ed - could also be draw?] a pirate on the matchbook...
Claire: No, it is...it's a real school.
Jay: Wow. I mean, that's impressive, that's a tough school to get into.
Claire: Yeah, I was petrified walking into it. I was, you know, feeling totally inadequate--but, I survived the first semester.
Jay: Doing OK?
Claire: I'm on spring break, so, I'm doing fine.
[Audience claps and cheers and Claire raises one arm up.]
Jay: You study a lot?
Claire: I do, I do, I'm kind of a nerd. My friends make fun of me.
Jay: Really?
Claire: Yeah, I get really anal, you know, about exams.and stuff--but, I'm not doing my homework, I'm here with you, so I'm letting loose.
Jay: Are you like straight A's or you're B's or you...?
Claire (cheerfully): Um, I'm doing pretty well. I was so surprised, I was so shocked. Like, you know, I can think., which is like, a really great thing to realize.
Jay: Well, coming out of this town, that's amazing!
Claire: I know, I know. It's impressive, right?
[Claire rolls her eyes.]
Jay: You have your own place or you live in the dorm?
Claire: I live in a dorm, with my roommate, um...who's wonderful--from New York.
Jay: Now is it a coed dorm?
Claire: Oh yeah, coed, share bathroom.
Jay: Now, really, share a bathroom with like filthy, messy guys? That seems like...
Claire: Yeah, well, it's alright. But you have to wear flip flops when you have to go, like, pee in the middle of the night...so you don't get gangrene, you know.
Jay: you don't get gangrene, like Jimmy...
[Jay points to Jimmy, one of the crew who had fake gangrene on his arm earlier in the show.]
Claire: Yeah, right, like Jimmy, or you know, athlete's foot or something.
Jay: But don't guys generally leave the bathroom a little messier?
Claire: Well, actually, on our floor, it's reserved for the girls, so you know, we don't have to deal with the mess all the time...
Jay: Oh, OK.
Claire: ...but sometimes they creep in there...when they're feeling a little...naughty.
[Claire grins.]
Jay: Now how's the food?
Claire: The food's alright, I mean, I just live on junk, you know, I'm such a typical student at the moment. I consume copious amounts of...
Jay: Copious? Now that's a word...
[Jay pretends to write on a piece of paper.]
Claire: ....Yeah, it slipped out!
[Claire laughs heartily.]
Jay: Now that's very good, copious amounts of food....
Claire: Thanks. My English professor...
Jay: ...see, your education is coming along really well.
Claire: ...yeah, seeping.
Jay: Now what do you study?
Claire: Um, I'm taking like an eclectic group of classes.
Jay (teasing): Eclectic?
Claire (grinning): Eclectic.
Jay: OK, we'll put that with copious.
[Claire laughs and points her left-hand index finger at Jay who is pretending to write again.]
Jay: Copious and eclectic...
Claire: Don't poke fun...
Jay: I'm not, I'm not--I'm taking these words seriously--eclectic.
Claire: Oh, OK.
Jay: Are you writing a paper? Are you doing a....
Claire: I am writing a paper. I'm writing a paper for Women's Health on, um...
Jay: Women's Health.
Claire:...on masturbation.
[Claire keeps a straight face and nods her head at the puzzled Jay. The audience laughs and cheers.]
Jay: Now, see I couldn't get in the Army because of that, that's interesting.
Claire (laughing): Yeah.
Jay: Now this is, wait a minute, you're doing a paper on this? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I sorta have to harness the topic...but--
[Jay scoffs and the audience cheers.]
Jay: No wonder you spend hours studying. Now it's starting to make sense.
[Claire laughs and slaps the arm of the chair.]
Jay: You see now, this is amazing, like we would have to compare, like, Greek and Roman society...
Claire: Right, right.
Jay: ...when I was in school. Now, you can just say, "You know what I did last, night, I wrote a paper about that." I mean...
Claire: Right, I mean, I don't know how to tackle it. I'm thinking I may send out polls to some of my friends.
Jay: Send out polls to your friends, no pun intended.
Claire: Yeah, right.
[The audience laughs and Claire gives a grinning embarrassed look to the audience.]
Jay: Now, let me ask you now, I mean, you turn in your paper on masturbation...
Claire: Right.
Jay: I mean, does your professor go, [ed.: Jay pretends to write] "No, you're doing it wrong. I'm sorry."
Jay (as Claire): "Yeah, but I got off--"
[Claire is laughing the whole time through Jay's joke.]
Jay (as Claire's professor): "Well, I'm sorry."
Jay: I mean, how does that even work?
[Claire puts both hands on her forehead.]
Claire: It's getting crude...
Jay: Well, no, I'm curious, I mean, that's like so different from when I was in school.
Claire: I don't know, I could criticize, like, you know, the methods in which people are trying to promote it, you know, because it's becoming...um, more frequently discussed with women, which is a really positive thing, because, you know...
Jay: Like who more? Men or women?
Claire: Uh, well apparently men masturbate more than women, for whatever reason, I mean...
[Jay gives a skeptical look to the crowd.]
Claire: ...they may not have a higher libido...
Jay (chuckling): Oh, there's one reason.
Claire: Right.
Claire: Or maybe they just report it, too.
Jay: Oh, OK. So men tend to do it a little bit more...
Claire: Yeah, 96 percent.
Jay: 96 percent. [pretends to write] Well, I'm glad I'm in that 4 percent.
[Claire and the audience laugh.]
Jay: And what age is most common?
Claire: Um, you know...I...haven't done extensive research...
Jay: You haven't reached...
Claire: ...I haven't gotten to that point...'cause, you know, I've been procrastinating.
Jay: Do you study in a group or alone when you do a study like...
Claire (embarrassed): Huh-hum.
Jay: I don't know, are there study groups, I don't know. This is like, the most bizarre thing.
Claire: Yeah...no, no, I tend to study alone--it depends.
Jay: So, OK, you graduate from Yale, you now have a degree in masturbation. Where do yo go?
[Claire and the audience laugh.]
Jay: Where do you go besides the cover of...
[ed. Claire drowns out the name of the magazine by talking but the audience "oohs" and Claire stops her sentence, embarrassed.]
Claire: You're luckily...luckily I have a career to return to, so...
Jay: What do you want to--what are you taking--what wiil you major be?
Claire: I don't know, I'm trying to decide. I have another year to dilly-dally. I was thinking about English last semester, but I was more...impressed by my professor than...
Jay: I mean, I'm teasing you, but I'm very impressed with that, because there's so many people your age...you know, you're doing films, you're making a tremendous amount of money, and you think, "this will last forever", so I mean, to have that kind of discipline, no, that's really good...
Claire: Thank you.
Jay: ...I'm teasing you, but it really is impressive...
Claire: Thank you.
Jay: ...and it's a good thing for other kids out there...
Claire: Thanks.
[Audience applauds and cheers.]
Jay: Especially at Yale. Now, let's talk about, uh...let's talk about Mod Squad--'cause you know I was in high school when Mod Squad premiered. I remember I went to my friend Sam Moody's house to watch Mod Squad.
Claire: Right.
Jay: And it was like, a cool show.
Claire: Yeah, it's a groovy groovy project.
Jay: This is kind of a cool thing.
Claire: It was really fun. I mean, I loved everybody I was working with. Omar Epps and Giovanni Ribisi are awesome. Scott Silver the director is really fun. Um, and I just got to be like, a cowgirl. I wasn't even born-- no, I did know the show, I did know the show.
Jay: Show ran from '68 to '73...
Claire: mmm-hmm.
Jay: Linc was the cool guy.
Claire: Yeah. I'm the token blonde.
Jay: Right. The only blonde.
Claire: Pete is the, uh, rascal.
Jay: Right.
Claire: Uh, yeah, it was a good time. We're here to enlighten about it, so...
Jay: Did you watch the original, just to get an idea?
Claire: Yeah, I got a sense of the tone of the show. I watched a few episodes, I didn't overdose, you know...
Jay: Like Peggy Lipton, she was...
Claire: Piggy Lipton was the original Julie, and she did a phenomenal job, she's awesome. She's so beautiful...
Jay: Does anyone use the word "mod" anymore? Would yu have a mod squad? It would be like the hip-hop squad...or something.
Claire: Yeah, hip-hop, I don't know. We talked about mod-els more than mod itself...
Jay: Are your parents, like, hippies?
Claire: My parents fancy themselves more artists than hippies, they kind of, you know, they're a little bit elitist about it.
[Claire rolls her eyes.]
Jay: (gesturing) One step up from the hippies...hippies with talent...
Claire: Yeah...they what?
Jay: ...hippies that went to college.
Claire: Right, right, right, right...
Jay: Now what's this clip we're gonna see...tell us what the movie's about.
Claire: Um, I...I'm infuriated with my ex-boyfriend..he betrayed me--the jerk--so, I decide to just, whoop his butt.
Jay: Right, and he's a sleazeball?
Claire: Yeah, he's a nasty dude.
Jay (pointing to TV monitor): That's Josh...Josh Brolin?
Claire: Yeah, Josh Brolin.
Jay: Let's take a look, here's a scene from The Mod Squad...
[Movie clip from The Mod Squad plays. After clip ends, Claire is shown smiling and the audience applauds.]
Jay: Well, listen, congratulations on all your success.
Claire: Thank you.
Jay: And good luck finishing your paper.
Claire: Yes, well, I'll try my best.
Jay: Now I know you have to run, you have your premiere tonight.
Claire: I do, yeah.
Jay: See, you go to premieres and back to college, that's amazing. I'll let you go.
[Jay and Claire shake hands.]
Jay: Claire, thank you very much. Claire Danes, be right back with Steven Wright right after this.
[Jay gets up from behind his desk and walks over to Claire, who is also rising as the music plays. They hug and hold each other's hands for a few seconds.]
[FADE OUT]

Originally transcribed by: Bren86

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